There’s a still point when a wave has tumbled from its peak, embraced the shoreline and rolled back into itself. A moment when there is no movement and no anticipation of the next wave, a kind of zero point that reflects and holds the ongoing flow of the whole ocean. I think that this time between waves might be related to Cohen’s crack in everything. There where the light gets in. Where something about the fundamentals is revealed. Where the unfathomable size of the ocean shines through and there is only ocean, only life force.
After re-membering for years, I have returned to the motherland and find myself nestled into a little spot between a Copenhagen S-train track and an urban park in the Nørrebro part of town. England is gone, Berlin is gone, the PhD is gone. In between waves there’s nothing I have to do, nothing that requires my attention. The big frame, the rack in the back of my mind that has held together all of my doings over the last years has dissolved and I’m reluctant to erect a new one.
It has been a busy, turbulent and fast six months. October 17th I had a four and a half hours marathon of a viva which was tough and disappointing but held some important lessons. October 20th I was back in Berlin with Vanessa anxiously staring at the second stripe on the second pregancy test which threw open a whole new dimension in life and shut those doors that were already closing. Sometimes the waves bring us many things at once and this one had been rolling from the other end of the world to bring us what we needed.
I couldn’t understand it then and I am still not quite sure I do. When reality branches out and deepens it doesn’t feel any different at first. You got to learn to appreciate the new aspect of life as something that you have no control over and just ride the waves it brings in from out on the horizon. Fatherhood. Part of me goes bejeepers at having that word standing there on its own with a full stop. Part of me smiles and I feel a subtle happiness welling up from the solar plexus.
After that monster-wave reached us it has been wave upon wave. We decided to move to Copenhagen and started looking for a new place to live. I spent a month working through corrections on the thesis. We wrapped up the Kreutzberg flat, packed our things in boxes again, had a last party with our friends, hired Bart to drive our stuff to Copenhagen and moved into my uncle and aunties spare room in Østerbro. We looked and looked some more for a new place, worked full time on getting Vanessa into the Danish system (the level of admin involved in being an international couple in Denmark is really not funny), hooked up with old friends and watched the belly grow.
By a stroke of luck we found a little flat in Nørrebro and with the help of friends and family we carried the boxes up on the third floor. We found cheap furniture, drilled holes in the walls and slept on the floor for two weeks before we got our expensive new eco-mattress. Vanessa sorted herself a part time job and I had a gig in Iceland for a week. Slowly spring crept up on us, friends have started to come visit and all of a sudden we’re residents in a new place and another life.
While all these changes have happened quickly and it is a strange thing to look at how life was just six months ago, it makes sense that I’m now moving through a territory of uncertainy. After all, I’ve been thinking about how to handle uncertainty for years now. It almost feels right to be without the stability of a job or a career path (I don’t tell my career counsellor that). Whatever comes with this next wave probably needs the absence of that kind of structure. I’ll just try and stay attentive and gauge when it is coming.
That requires my presence outside of this space. Things are stirring in firstlife. Morten and I are breathing new life into the time culture project which has been lying idle for too long. I’m on to a new series of interviews with various interesting folks of the future. I’m finding new connections that I’d like to follow. It is genuinely interesting to be back in Denmark after having turned my back on it for so long. Those things about the Danes that before were deeply upsetting appear almost quirky now. Less serious at least.
The life span of a blog is an interesting thing. It seems to have to do with the initial need to explore and express something. Many of the blogs that constituted the ecology which this space was first created within have gone quiet. Others are still going strong and new ones have appeared. PatternWhichConnects ran its course years ago but because this blog is a re-membering it has stayed afloat and I don’t feel a need for it to be anything in particular. The last while it has mainly been Jeppe’s way of communicating some event with the world. And that’s ok. A real need. But I’m beginning to wonder who I am communicating with and there’s not enough pull to put too much effort into keeping this space going.
What I’m saying is that with all that is going on elsewhere I expect this blog to go quiet for a while. Perhaps to begin broadcasting again at a later stage, perhaps to become something else. I am still scribbling away on Refigurations where I log my progress in finding a compass to navigate uncertainty. But for now this blog will stand as an archive or a commemoration of an interested, confused, searching 27 year old’s journey through academic life, worldviews and transition to the Dark Mountain and beyond.
If you’re in Copenhagen be sure to swing by. You know where to find me. We’ve decided to keep the little one out of the world of Facebook as much as possible, so you probably won’t be able to follow those developments online for a good long while. We kindly ask our friends to help us in that regard.
What comes next is a wave that is already rolling in from the horizon. I see it glistening in the sun and welcome it with a smile. Until it arrives I’ll be playing in the water’s edge with my feet deep in the sand.
Before signing out, here’s a compilation to enhance the enjoyment of Springtime. Till next!
Beautiful and stirring reflection. It sounds like you’ve encountered and continue to ride some serious waves, indeed! Know that I deeply appreciated your contributions here and elsewhere. I look forward to walking alongside you in your sojourns.
thank you, seth. your comment is much appreciated, it is always good to hear when someone is on a wavelength and picking up some of all those words. i’m with you in your explorations of being and doing too, keep them coming! i expect there’ll be an opportunity to speak more in the future. all the best from a sunny spot in denmark, j.
An improbable pattern – PatternWhichConnects
[…] back at the place at which I left this long re-membering more than a year and a half ago, I’m struck by improbability again (along with the returning […]